Notes On Stalking By D. Matrix

I do not at all enjoy the fact I can solve everyones problems but not my physical real world problems. For example: am in the process of getting two people back together the way they should be. got my soulmate back by telling him i heard our song on in safeway. somehow i cant fix the fact i need a job that has more hours or pays more, or the fact i sleep on the floor, or my BPD. everything but what is a real world problem. good thing i have my ex back, hes good at fixing stuff im not quite responsible enough to do on my own. he really is my soulmate tho, i can perfectly say his exact words and what hed do in a situation, how he feels, how he thinks. i love him more than life itself, and i know this because the time he said he loved me on the phone when we were together a year ago, well when i said it back my heart had this weird feeling i vaguely remembered, this was the first time id said i love you to someone and legitimately felt it in my heart in over 13 years. The last time id said it and meant t was when i was six, and id said it to my mom before she put me to bed and closed my door. last time id see her alive, because the next day i learned what it meant to die, what it meant to be without love, because i found her, so peaceful, on the couch with the tv still on. no one has ever EVER made me feel that spark. sure i wont get out of bed for a month if my grandpa dies, because hes my fave person in the world and its mutual, but ive never gotten punched right in the feels saying i love you to him. im very glad ill have my soulmate around when that day finally comes where im missing four members of my family instead of three, because im really going to need him to hold me and make everything alright again.

because i have a new follower, i have decided to write a post! oh the things you can coax a person to do simply by following them on tumblr.

speaking of tumblr, you know that app draw something? i wrote “stalkershandbook blog” and my boyfriend, the golden lad he is, guessed tumblr right! lucky me, a man who pays attention! (if youre stalking my blog beeb, knowing you youll laugh awkwardly reading this then well talk about it friday and youll do the ross face and ill call you a stalker)

sorry guys, id write some more, but i just received a bad news text about my friends parental unit being deceased and must respond in a timely fashion.

its just after 6am. i woke up for god knows what reason. in attempts to try and fall back asleep, i grab my phone and see what new pics of gorgeous halfnaked men yellowasian has posted. my reaction? “Jesus. O.o”. well add some drool in there, cos there was a man that one might say rocks the jesus hair and beard. he was half naked. it was divine. anyways, in my half asleepness, i discovered my roommate drinks from the milkjug. UH DISGUSTING? he smokes. itd be less disgusting but he smokes. yeah. just what i want in my cereal. secondhand mouthnasty. awesome.

i wish id slept another five (four at least) hours. i just wana run my errands, slave at work (haha thats a good one. i kid, my job is grossly easy and even quite boring sometimes. i often get paid to do sweet fuck all), and go see my boyfriend. he is taking me out to dinner and then were going to see Poe. Oh john cusack, you are so great.

Optimistic Pessimism. a term i coined not so long ago, which refers to the bad news, that also happens to be good news. in this case, my dear boy, who had to take a course in highschool because he didnt try in school, got to go to the school dance. well, he was going to… but jimmy fallon’s “im an idiot, and im your boyfriend, yes i am” applies here. he didnt get to go INTO the dance because hes a people pleaser. some gr 11 kids wanted him to bring alcohol, so he did. but they searched his bag. so instead of going to the dance, he went to the station instead. $500 fine later, were on the phone. i asked him what his parents said. he said they said they werent mad, just “disappointed”. yeah disappointed enough hes kicked out of the house.

the optimistic pessimism? because he got kicked out, instead of being here with me on monday or tuesday, he will be here tomorrow. well today, i just havent slept yet. too excited to sleep. my dear boy, youre an idiot, and i wouldnt change a damn thing. <3