Notes On Stalking By D. Matrix

i hate everyone.

im not kidding. i wish i was. mental illness is not a joke. if it was its one sick cruel fucking joke.

“dude this is taking too long, im going to bed tell me tomorrow”

uh thanks, you asked me to tell you what i suffer from and what happened to me to make me that way, but you expected someone as totally fucked as me to be able to keep it to 100 words or less? are you fucking kidding me? fuck you and your little dog too.

borderline personality disorder isnt funny. its very real, its very scary and very dangerous too. society doesnt treat mentall illness like the disease it is. we dont raise awareness or research money because its not seeable. yet its very seeable. i have the audacity to say mentall illness is WORSE than cancer. yknow why? cancer patients value life. they hurt, they get sad, but they value life. there is treatment. there are things you can do.to win the battle. there is research and fundraisers. what do we have? meds and straightjackets? that doesnt make anything better! thats not a cure thats a “holy shit this shit is bad and has us beat”. cancer patients value life. we dont.

“i find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad/ the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had/ i find it hard to tell you, i find it hard to take/ when people run in circles, its a very very/ mad world”

its true. we romanticize death and feel like shit about it. we KNOW its selfish and cowardly. but to us, it makes sense. we figure “you would euthanize a suffering animal, why cant assisted suicide be legal? its more humane”. some of us KNOW were crazy. were tired of being unwell.

“i wonder at night as i melt back.into bed/ if sometimes what could kill you/ should have just left you for dead”

makes you stronger my ass. im the weakest ive ever been after 15 solid years of traumatic unfortunate shit. i listen to the eureka album by mother mother because it makes me remember im not the only one. ridiculous amounts of people from suffer mental illness. why arent we doing more?

i know i have a definate bias towards the rich and what their life must be like. the view from down here makes the grass look like well, grass, not mud like weve got. any logical, honest, intelligent poor person, put in a situation like that of a rich person, well the jokes are how itd be, the only thing youd have to worry about is swimming pool size.

my dear boy and my bff have really helped me see the spectrum objectively. they do have actual problems. their life looks perfect but only from where were standing.

poor people parenting: do as i say or else i just might hit you. rich people parenting: do as i say or else i might disinherit you, and when you do do as i say, well i just might hit you.

my boy got a black eye for leaving after he got kicked out. he got in more trouble for leaving than he did when he got kicked out. hed had to pay a five hundred dollar fine for having alcohol in his backpack at school. he got told they were disappointed and to have all his stuff out by the morning. so he did. he knew he fucked up. he got hit for it.

he is so much braver than i give him credit for. yeah a lot of rich kids are as adaptable as running in highheels (theres only one way to do it and every other way you fall on your face) but when someone has unimaginable amounts of power over you, thats what happens. youre used to firebreathing dragons beating on you. that takes bravery, i respect that.

rich kids, some of you are stuck up bratty snobs (i blame that mostly on bad parenting too) and i hate your guts if youre like that, but youre people too. i believe in equality for all (unless you raped someone. then i hope they take you out back and leave you for dead) and i just wanted to let you know that poor kids feel for you. we feel bad for you just like you feel bad for us. i salute you.

the man and my bff both hate that i sleep on the floor. they hate it so bad. it makes them furious. they get mad when i dont eat and cant sleep cos the floor. so. much. anger.

if you stuck me in my mans position, theyd really be asking for it. im a terribly well behaved child and when i know im getting fucked around i raise hell. i ran away many times to prove a point. money doesnt own me. if they hit me id have left again. been like “later dudes, oh and im filing charges”. i dont care who the fuck you are to me, you have no right or reason to hit me. self defense and competitive fighting are the only acceptable times to be hitting anyone. he should be here with me, but instead hes back there.

yeah theyre his parents. i know that. hes also 18 fucking years old. you dont hit your child for doing what you told them to. just because hes 18 doesnt make that any more ok than hitting a 5 year old or your wife. he belongs here with ME, where it has been made more than obvious that hes human and hes a teenager and teenagers fuck up. its a learning experience. its life. its called forgiveness. hitting only teaches fear and violence. “hey son, i know we told you to leave, but we were just really frustrated and didnt mean it. i apologize for the misunderstanding.” that would have taught him a lot more than a black eye.

there is seriously no napping after nervous dry-heaves. for one, theyre the fucking worst, cos at least if you get sick there is relief, and two, your stomach is like “KAY, IM AWAKE NOW CAPTAIN BLOWHARD! STOP THE SEA SICKNESS”. i know, im not on a boat, but from a logical standpoint, i live by the sea, whose to say north america isnt a boat? ;) lol i know that hardly makes sense…

but yeah. waiting. nervously cos my calls have not been answered. feeling ill cos im nervous. waiting. the cycle continues.

i really wish i had something profound to say, seeing as how i have two new followers, so stoked about that when i woke up and saw, that way youd have a reason to tell all your friends “ahhhh its a partyyyy everyones invitedddd, tell all your frienddsss”, but i guess youll just have to stick around and see!

profound psychobabble happens a lot with me. dont you worry, youll get yours ;)

i reap what i sow, i get what i deserve. logic and honesty, the only reasons im a decent human being.

for everything there is a price, and every payment shall be equal, no more no less.

i gave forgiveness, even if they are not sorry, and by sorry i mean an apology backed by actions that prove it. in that forgiveness i dropped all loathing i had for them. i sent them a smileyface. they thought i was fucking with them. i sent them a happy birthday message, although facebook had not notified me of their birthday because we are not friends. that happy birthday turned into them realizing how they fucked up by losing a logical, loyal, honest intelligent friend. they realized life was a lot less shitty with me in it. my happy birthday was the only not shitty part of their birthday. theyre aware of how my situation took a turn for the better, and its because i get what i deserve.

your decisions were made by you, do not regret them no matter how bad they were, thats lunacy. if you dont want to regret something, dont do it. just remember, to win you need to play the game. life is just a bunch of yes/no questions. free will is also necessitated. you couldnt have done things differently, and you chose to do what you did.

you may ask, “what did i do to deserve all this shit?”. did you ever once think that maybe, just maybe you were paying in advance? im glad i got shit first and happy later. i can appreciate my happiness instead of mourning my loss. not to mention, happiness first means you dont get to appreciate it, you dont know the difference.

and trust me, the difference is huge. when youre stuck with unfortunate bullshit for twenty years, a hatful of love feels like an ocean.

love yourself. no one else is going to if you dont. if you do, someone else just might too.

yours truly, the internet’s gf D.Matrix

good job, drunkass. whats it like being cool for a day? cos lord knows after that fucked up, awkward, comfort boundary overstepping conversation, you are officially just a lonely drunk ass rich kid 28 yr old manchild. im sorry im in love and dont wana be your little borderline pedo trophy. friends my ass! youre not my friend! a friend, and a real man, would not go trying to butt into something wonderful and try and replace it. youre a skuzzy skeevy smarmy egotistical piece of shit, and i hope that karma bites you in the ass.

Optimistic Pessimism. a term i coined not so long ago, which refers to the bad news, that also happens to be good news. in this case, my dear boy, who had to take a course in highschool because he didnt try in school, got to go to the school dance. well, he was going to… but jimmy fallon’s “im an idiot, and im your boyfriend, yes i am” applies here. he didnt get to go INTO the dance because hes a people pleaser. some gr 11 kids wanted him to bring alcohol, so he did. but they searched his bag. so instead of going to the dance, he went to the station instead. $500 fine later, were on the phone. i asked him what his parents said. he said they said they werent mad, just “disappointed”. yeah disappointed enough hes kicked out of the house.

the optimistic pessimism? because he got kicked out, instead of being here with me on monday or tuesday, he will be here tomorrow. well today, i just havent slept yet. too excited to sleep. my dear boy, youre an idiot, and i wouldnt change a damn thing. <3

i swear, the minute everything goes well for me, it bombs for everyone else. worst part is, id almost like to be a martyr just to change that, but i know that i deserve to be happy too, and at the end of the day, my feelings matter the most. no one else is going to care, i have to. shameless selflessness is going to get me nothing but unhappy then dead. nice guys finish last eh? thats only true when you dont know when being “selfish” is appropriate. we are all mediocre people, some of us just choose to do exceptional or cruel things sometimes. i do what is right when convenient. that only makes me mediocre. im cool with that. i love myself. if you cant love yourself dont expect anyone else to. im going to be loved. i think i can live with being a little selfish for once.

cant run your guilt on me, fools. that is simply shoving a moral dilemma to my throat, and i have simply chosen what the vast magority would choose. unlike society nowadays, which runs on survival of those who have money, i believe in survival of the fittest. the miracles of modern science have unfortunately hindered us. like i said. moral dilemmas ;)

Dear Unknown Name Caller,

some people have days off. on these days off, they catch up on missed sleep because theyre a neurotic basketcase who suffers insomnia and sleeps on the floor. they spend all night ruminating til they pass out so they can sleep til three pm or so. you call once. cool. nbd thats sleep-through-able. did you ever think, that maybe ringing the phone off the fucking hook all morning is not going to make the person youre looking for answer the phone if THEYRE NOT EVEN HERE. youre a fucking inconsiderate waste of skin. i hope you are blessed with collicky bratty triplets who scream at the most inopportune moments. thatll show you.

this week has been like trying to sprint underwater towards a scuba tank so you dont drown. its slow, terrifying and painful as fuck.

you will be the closest any human being could possibly get to me. i find that awful and lovely.

see you on monday <3 xoxo

so because my mind refuses to shut the fuck off so i can get some shut eye and sleep away half a goddam useless boring day standing in my way like a deer caught in the headlights of a honda civic, i shall try to heave this mass amount of epic mindfuck onto the interweb so that at least maybe then, i can sleep afterwards. ill do what works best and say what i think as i think it.

serious overkill. you may not be perfect but youre perfect for me and thats perfect enough. im a borderline. im a neurotic. i am batshit fucking crazy and only a real martyr could ever stand to be my everything. way to take one for the team like a real man. jees-us! i cant stand me, lord knows what its like being in love with me. you dont even flinch. i have a red mood, you apologize. wtf. you didnt do anything wrong! my mind likes to be a real asshole. i know whats going on but i dont control it. you snap me out of it and i do my best to unsay anything that could be misconstrued as me not loving you.

im so fucking terrified of fucking up. i know your faults and i feel lucky that i am not the one who has to deal with mental shit like you do. you have the dragon tamed i think. just one red mood. one fiery asshole of a red mood. that was before i understood how you work. now i get it. i got a reality check, and seeing as how im a realist, this positive reality is a nice change of pace. i figured myself otiose. apparently not. i hear im awesome and you want nothing more than to be with me always, as gushy and emotional as that is, thats modern romance for you. its so cute its stupid. i love it though, cos as much as i hate it, im a woman, and by default i fucking love it.

ive never been so happy in my life. i never thought anyone would feel more deeply about me than i could know, but you do. its gona be you and me and the cat. one cute little family.

my aunties are gona love you. if they can see how much you give a shit and just want me to be happy, you will have a gold star and an a plus in their books. my aunts are pretty untrusting. they wil trust you though. youll show them you will be better than those who came before. you wont let me down. im really happy youll be there to keep me safe from myself when my grandpa passes, whenever that could be. thats gona be a tsunami. youll be there. youll keep me safe while i am weak.

my birthday is going to be the best. two decades of life suck, completely trumped by the days to come. you said youd buy me whatever i want. well i dont really want anything but you. but i already have you so hopefully ill decide on something. wouldnt wana drive you nuts by not being able to pick. maybe well go to adrenaline or millenium or that other store i heard of, the one with all the rockabilly stuff.

you wont tell me when youll be here. but you know where i work and when. im going to cry when you surprise me. im also going to flying leap you. this is so very relient k “must have done something right”. hey, im not complaining.

oh gee. just remembered you bought me glow in the dark iron fist zombie stompers at your work cos the discount. blaaaaah im so spoiled. i guess if i was going to be a princess, being your princess is what id choose, good thing its what i ended up with!

“you treat me like im a princess im not used to liking that you asked how my day was”

“that cat is going to be spoiled” “so are you :)”

i had to talk to my rich friend to be used to this whole “you drive a camaro etc etc” thing. it helped. im less O.oface about it. money doesnt own me. doesnt own you either, but you have it. not complaining. im glad youre down to earth not a stuck up brat. youre a sweetheart not a snob. amen to that.

i cannot even fathom your affection.

“well i may be just a fool but i know youre just as cool and cool kids they belong together” <3

ps. youre an effing dorkasaur.

i see you have mid december resolutions. cool. one of them is move here. even cooler. i may very well have a house by the time you get here. you might be allowed to crash there (i have to ask if hed be ok with it) so you dont have to waste money on a hotel, provided of course you wont pick a fight with either of us and like gigantic tvs, comfy beds and hot tubs. i owe you and i miss you. i forget how you sound. you have no idea how terrible that feels.

her: maybe one day somebody will love you, you never know, miracles happen.

me: that was so passive aggressive i almost took it as a compliment, but because its not, its too bad i said that in regards to myself to a friend earlier today, or else that might have hurt my “feelings” ;)

winning

that was a week or so ago. here i am, in this city by the sea, wondering “wtf am i doing?” and now i have some more to add to that;

him: D: <=mixture of jealousy and being overjoyed

me: IKR? OVERKILL. its like you said, “im [n/a], im 18, attractive, have expensive hair, gona buy a house outright, drive a camaro, gona pay for your hair program and steal you, NBD casually files nails” my life is surreal and made-for-tv. poor orphaned wench who sleeps on the floor falls for guy who turns out to be loaded past his eyeballs. overkill. i liked him thinking he was poor.

him: lookout! disney princess coming through

dear passive-aggressive who looks like a frumpy horsefaced college guy doing an art history magor, deepthroat that.

even more winning